ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
