if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
