You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
