I think my fart just growled at me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
