I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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