I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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