why didn't you poke me back
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
