I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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