just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
