you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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