I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Girls should come with a carfax report
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
