His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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