did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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