He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
