My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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