I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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