all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize