I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
