I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
