I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
