I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
