Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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