i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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