just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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