the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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