I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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