I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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