you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
