I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
