I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
