Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
