Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You took a bar mat shot.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
