I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
