If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
