remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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