if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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