Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
