I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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