Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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