ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
