On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize