I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
