im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
