Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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