Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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