I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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