the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
