once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
