he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
