my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
