I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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