He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
