Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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