Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
