Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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