Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
