This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She told me I should be a condom model.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
