I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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