When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
