literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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