Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
